Three years in a row, I still get the jitters when my birthday is about to come by. I shared with a friend my feelings and he guessed that I was experiencing what they call the “birthday blues“…
I’ve spent a couple of years working on myself — taking my time in embracing change, accepting “failures”, trying to gain some balance from obsessions and calming myself from my storms. And I told myself in my last birthday post that my 25th year should be the final year where I get over this “quarter life” crisis that I’ve been claiming to experience. I made a conscious effort to quit it with the drama and to just start enjoying life. And I did.
But as my 25th year was coming to a close, I found myself very heavy with the damn “birthday blues”. I was reminded of the unmet goals and milestones that I unconsciously set myself to hit for my 25th year. I found myself going back to a bad habit of mine — ruminating, obsessing and over-analyzing why I am always never enough. With no one to point fingers at, it was so easy to place the blame on myself. It took some time to snap out of it, but I had to remind myself again that there are a lot of things to be grateful for.
My 25th year was spent
surrounding myself with people that I love,
spending time doing things that I enjoy,
opening myself to new experiences,
and giving myself more to the people that have always been there for me.
I cannot deny that a lot of the things that I’ve hoped, wished and prayed for were granted for my 25th year.
It took a lot of time for me to realize this but I learned that my “quarter life” crisis is never going to end. I may call it by a whole lot of different names that would be appropriate to my age, but life will always have its crises. Life is packed with unexpected situations. Sometimes with those we can control, and unfortunately with some we cannot. But it’s a messy type of beautiful that I’m thankful for because that’s how I’ve grown and that’s how I will continue grow.
I may never get every single thing right but it’s fair to say that I need to cut myself some slack. I’ve been all big about being kind to others but why haven’t I been kind to myself? And I think I finally get it, in the midst of aches and pains of growing up, I need to love myself more.
And so, my 26th birthday wish for myself is to think of myself more kindly, to be more patient with myself, to learn to enjoy in my discomforts and to trust in what life has in store for me. And I’m pretty sure that for my 26th, God’s waiting to lay it all out for me. Of course, in His perfect timing. ❤