Kindness Always

6 Oct

On a regular basis I’d find myself staring at my blog, looking at the description that I’ve written about myself three years ago. “A 20 year old something with coming-of-age concerns. Excited to discover new passions while trying to revive the old.” Although these very words that I’ve written about myself still hold true, they seem lacking of the journey I’ve gone through over the past three years.

They say that I am one of the unfortunate ones. I was unfortunate to be blessed with idealism because they say everything is not as honest and easy in life. With no prior experiences to make me believe otherwise, even I would have not thought that my very own decision would have caused that change in my life.

The past three years was a crash course of what they say were things that one should have learned in high school or college. A crash course that crammed learning from inexperience and awkwardness in a matter of three years. A crash course that was unfortunately deferred and was experienced by me in the supposedly steady twenties.

The past three years haven’t been easy at all. They were vicious, humbling, tiring and frustrating. These years went by as a daily routine of exercise, work, eat and sleep. Closed-off to those who did not know any better; fooled with my well-practiced lines and an inebriated smile. And to those who did know better were sure that self-blame, doubt and impatience were the only things on my mind. My emotions weren’t also easy to process at all — some too honest, raw and awkward to be even spoken aloud.  While some took much longer to be understood that they were felt when the timing wasn’t right.

The past three years left me scars. But before they were scars, they were wounds. And these wounds were mended by unconditional love and time. On most days that didn’t give me enough reason for me to wake up, I was lucky they didn’t allow me to give up. I was even luckier because they didn’t give up.

The past three years left me scars that remain invisible to the eye. Only those discerning enough will see my scars. They are hidden behind my smile, my warmth, my trust, my vulnerability and my love. And although the past three years should have hardened my heart, it did the opposite.  It softened me and perhaps even made me more naive. The past three years showed me that there will always be people willing to love you even when you feel that you aren’t enough.

Although still cautious and learning to put down the walls one by one, I always find myself asking this question: who am I to rob another an opportunity to feel loved?

“Most of all, I am impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with admiration.” Lisa Unger

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