A Reset

13 Apr

One of my three words for 2014 was “Respect”.

I contextualized this word into two aspects: time and myself.

And if you’ve been with me in my journey in 2013, most of you would know that respect was definitely not in my dictionary…

Respecting Time
“To acknowledge that great things require patience. To constantly remind myself that every thing happens for a reason and that they happen at the right time. To enjoy every single minute in this life even if its not the way I expect it to be.”

YOLO..or when reckless, PIOLO!

In 2013, I was on a mission to reengage myself with many neglected aspects of my life. At the same time, I had an unquenchable thirst to become a better me. I exhausted each and every day, for whatever its worth. Reconnecting with old friends, rediscovering lost passions, learning new skills and going on new adventures were a must in my daily life.

Nights were often too blurry to remember. #exciting

I craved for the excitement of being better that my life revolved around a self-dictated time table. I had a time table dictating when I would — heal my broken heart, lose the extra pounds, go on a new crazy adventure, or meet up with friends from different circles.

I was patient in sticking to my resolutions, often thinking that I would be happy once I reached my deadline. I soon realized that I was too focused chasing deadlines that I failed to enjoy what was most important — the present.

Respecting Myself
“To know my limits and my capabilities. To be patient with myself. To know when to stop pushing when being better starts to lose its meaning.”

Weighing at more than 200+ pounds a year before, I made a promise never to gain the weight back. I would find my hands feeling the bones in my body the moment I opened my eyes each day. This ritual would be followed by stepping on the scale. My fixation with the numbers started my unhealthy obsession with having a “better” body. I did two things that were fool-proof in the weight loss equation: dieting and exercising.

What qualified as my dessert: Coffee + Splenda

Dieting was easy as I’ve already spent a year eating only “diet” food. I was proud of my unblemished record of barely having any “cheats”.  Although the diet that I followed did not permit any exercising, when I started feeling that the numbers were not going down fast enough, I went against this advice. My frequency evolved from three times a week to daily. Sometimes when I had “nothing else to do”, I would even exercise twice a day. No excuse was good enough for me to miss exercise.  Running on three hours of sleep, waking at 4 am, or  having a fever were never good enough reasons to stop me. Caffeine was abused as my low-calorie energy source. I would over-drink coffee, green tea and diet soda to solve  my lack of energy and satiate my hunger.

Where I spent most of my time for 2013

I was never happy nor content with the way that I looked. I became blind to my goal and eventually got lost in the process. Often times, I found myself incredibly shut off to the world, telling myself that I would enjoy life again once I lost that 2 pounds. That never stopped.

The Turning Point

By the end of Quarter 3 of 2013, I felt like I was in hell. I was emotionally,  psychologically, and physically stressed.

Felt extreme proud for fitting in my younger sister’s jeans..that couldn’t fit her anymore.

My life was dictated by the numbers on the scale, hours I’ve exercised and diet meals that I ate.  I was mentally absent as my thoughts were consumed by weight loss. I became embarrassed to eat in front of people. I started having panic attacks over imaginary scenarios — being unable to eat food that I’ve prepared or to fall asleep from food paranoia.  I became scared of silly things — staying up late because of a possible binge, going to the mall (most especially watching a movie!!!) because it was too cold, going on trips because of the hassles packing my diet food or explaining to people why I had to eat “diet” food all the time.

Soon enough, my hair started losing its shine, my skin became dull, and my heart started to beat too slowly.  I stopped having my period and the cold became too unbearable.  Although I felt nauseous, weak and extremely burnt out — I never listened to what my body was trying to say.

The turning point came was after the sembreak weekend of 2013. I just completed a 15 day strict diet complemented by daily exercise (with back to back classes to prepare for a trip(. I was subconsciously starving. By then, food consumed not only my thoughts but even my dreams.  After the weekend trip,  I found myself in a perpetual cycle of fasting to uncontrolled binges which resulted to food comas.  I started to get scared at my loss of self-control that I barely slept during the night.  The climax was when one evening, before a gimmick, I found that my baon was spoiled. Since I was so scared to gain weight, I was willing to eat spoiled food.

I finally realized that my unhealthy obsession has driven my sanity out the door along with my self-respect.

A Reset

Felt extremely fat when this photo was taken. If I only knew. 😦

I am on a count down once again.  Unlike the others, this is not for weight loss. This is to finally stabilize my metabolism. In the last few months, with the support of so many people, I’ve been slowly trying to eat normal food and getting my body to function normally again.  I admit that it’s been an uncomfortable journey. There are some days that I would wake up feeling frustrated on how much weight I’ve put on despite following a strict progression to my calorie intake. But then again, I remember the hell that I was in before and that makes me thankful that  those experiences will forever remain a distant memory.

This is and will be the longest 50 days of my life. 50 days of no exercise. 50 days of eating more. 50 days of rest.  50 days of going against what I’ve programmed myself not to do for two years.

Life has a funny way of teaching us. It usually teaches us lessons where we’re weak at. I’ve declared that this year would be the year that I would firmly stick to my resolution of respecting time and my self. Unsurprisingly, the past few months have definitely tested my sense of respect.

With dedication, patience and trust — I am excited for the new me. 🙂

17 Responses to “A Reset”

  1. Pau April 13, 2014 at 10:00 pm #


    • androrono April 14, 2014 at 10:38 am #

      Thanks for tirelessly listening to me and my crazy rants in the past year. 🙂

  2. oyaolalia April 13, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    Aww Andro! Very inspiring. 🙂 Good luck!!

    • androrono April 14, 2014 at 10:39 am #

      Thanks Oya! I super look forward to be able to eat the food you post on your ig! (Stalked and saw that you’re doing PR work for food!) 🙂

  3. Chinee April 14, 2014 at 11:19 pm #

    I love this entry. Motto in life since our first year days, Dro! Things happen for a reason.

    I believe in things working themselves out for the better. Broken hearts, lack of self-esteem…all phases of our lives if we choose for them to be just that! Choose to conquer your dispairs, choose to love yourself, and choose to be happy.

    Catch up soon! (a.k.a. watch me study)

    • androrono April 21, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

      Hi Chin, I know. Thanks for always listening to me. Invite me over, I’ll watch you study..then buy me spanish bread! 😉

  4. jj April 21, 2014 at 12:32 am #

    hi! i’ve been following your blog for a while now. you always hit the mark. (: um..im sorry to bring this up but i am actually waiting for a post on how you survived that long-term relationship which ended…?. ughhh im so sorry.. really, because i don’t know…i had an experience- i was with a guy for only a couple of years and it took me more than those number of years to finally heal. i dont want to sound chismosa but….yeah…..hay. i’ll just say it. stating i was surprised to learn about your long-term romantic relationship ending is an understatement. i admire you, i really do. please dont take this the wrong way. :s

    • androrono April 21, 2014 at 12:37 pm #

      Hi JJ. I responded to you via email. Hope you got it. 🙂

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      Hey! Thanks for the compliments! I’m no pro with regards to the subject. I do hope youll find my future posts as great as this one. 🙂

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